If your bed had a mouth, would you be afraid to hear what it had to say about the way you dress it? Would it tell you that the hand-stitched quilt is nice but that it’s embarrassed to have been wearing the same sheets for the last five years? Would it say that it appreciates the wool throw but that it has always longed for a silk comforter?

If you suspect the stuffy vibe in your bedroom might be a result of your bed silently brooding, why not make it happy? After all, any presents you buy for your bed will really be for you … but we won’t tell anyone!

We’ve interviewed a number of beds and these are the guidelines they came up with when it comes to shopping for them:

• Give yourself plenty of time: when you get started, it may seem like all you’re setting out to do is get a new pair of sheets. But buying a new outfit for your bed is really a step in redecorating your bedroom – you’ll want to take everything into account, especially when buying coverings like comforters and throws as it will change the look of your entire room. There are so many different choices, it can get kind of overwhelming, so make sure you have lots of time to look around and see what’s out there!
• Speak the bed language: It’s not just pillow talk, but sheet talk, blanket talk, down talk … you’ll want to know the difference between a sham and a pillowcase, the pros and cons of buying down versus alternatives, and the meanings of terms like “thread count” and “fill power” before embarking on your quest for the perfect bedclothes.
• Know your bed’s size: It’s really frustrating when you find the perfect set and then can’t remember if your bed is a double or a queen! Make sure you know your bed’s size, especially if it is not a traditional size … it’s a real drag when the fitted sheets don’t fit – and it hurts your bed’s self-esteem!
• Do a little research: Sometimes things look great in the package, but are a disappointment out of the plastic. Knowing in advance exactly what you are looking for will not only speed up the process, but also protect you from making purchases you later regret.
• Know what you like: In the end, this is the only real rule that applies … the price of an item, its thread count, or its thickness is not always an indicator of the best quality. Go by feel and your instincts … and when in doubt, try it out! Lie down on a mattress before you buy it, run your hands along the sheets you’re thinking of taking home, and take pictures of your room with you when shopping to see how the colors will combine. Buy what you love, and you (and your bed) will always be happy with it.